Last night I had a little girls night out with one of my closest, dearest, very honest, and always fun girlfriend. She said some things to me that I so desperately needed to hear, although I had no idea that I did. You see, it’s been 6 months since my last post. I think that’s my longest stretch of blog silence ever! And to be honest, I haven’t even felt the desire to write, which says a lot since writing is my release. The subject came up, of course amongst many other things as they do when we girls get to chat uninterrupted with wine!

There were 2 things that my friend said to me that absolutely shot an arrow straight into my heart.  Here is the first one:

In regards to my silence of writing….

I told her that “everything I have to write about is negative so why write?” Her response- “But that’s life”.

{AMEN}

The following morning I woke up still happy from such a fun night out. We moms need that time to laugh, to drink wine, to vent, to eat, to wear makeup & do our hair, and to wear clothes that don’t have food/boogers crusted on them. It’s the best refresher. As the day wore on and I sat down to, you guessed it, write (!), I started to wonder-  who wants to read my sob story anyway? We’ve all got one….what makes mine so worthy of reading? Well, I pray that if it eases the pain on just one person’s burden, lives their spirits, and makes them feel less ALONE, then I’ve done me job.

Life.Is.Hard.

Sometimes, is sucks so bad you can’t even write about it cause it just makes you remember and remembering makes you cry. But after some time, it’s also time to forge ahead. It’s time to put on my big girl pants and MOVE.

2016 was a blazing hot FURNACE for my family. Now, the thing that keeps me humble and so very grateful is that no death occurred. My sweet little family of 4 is all together, our extended family is healthy and alive, our friends are surrounding us with love, we are all in on piece, and we are still chugging along. I know that for other families they were not so fortunate with their furnaces, their furnaces are still blazing hot and are still leaving a wake of destruction in its path. To them I give all my love and prayers to hang on and to love…love with all their might and to just KNOW that the furnace will eventually die out. They always do.

So with that in mind, I ask for grace and perception that our furnaces are all different to each and every one of us.

2016 was our furnace.

I was very open and honest last year about our surprise 3rd pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. That was a serious sucker punch to the gut to start out 2016. Having never experienced that before, I didn’t know what this whole “losing a baby thing” was “supposed” to feel like.

I didn’t know friends, and for that I am so sorry.

I am sorry for those women, those families, that have experienced that tremendous pain and loss over and over again. It’s unexplainable and the dull pain I fear will never go away. I will forever carry my angel baby with me, and I daydream about our meeting that will take place one davy in heaven. I daydream about our angel baby meeting Ava and Mac, the best big brother and sister ever. I see them all laughing and giggling and loving; running around in the streets of gold….loving each other so very much. That dream keeps me going on the tougher days. Having said that, I now feel healing, and I feel certain that God had His hand in all of it….because what followed the miscarriage would have made having a baby in the midst of it absolutely terrifying.

A short few months after losing our baby, my husband parted ways with the company he was with for over 7 years.

7 years.

This is the company that made Indiana our first home as a young married couple after meeting in SoCal, then moved us to Malaysia where we became a family of 4 and had experiences to last several lifetimes, and then moved us back to Indiana. It was a tumultuous year for him and it all came to a head last spring. For almost a year, I watched my husband struggle with his job; I woke up in the middle of the night to him out of bed and downstairs because he could never sleep, ever. He was miserable and it absolutely broke my heart. It was weighing him down and in turn, really affected our family life. Our fun loving, carefree, amazingly strong head of the household was no longer so carefree and happy, and felt weak and troubled. It seeped into every nook and cranny of our life, so with that said, it was actually such a relief that it ended.

With no knowledge of what was next for us, we took a deep breath, took comfort with the severance package he was given, and blindly took a leap of faith that God had a plan for us. After the initial shock of unemployment was over, the strangest thing happened- my husband came back to me. He was sleeping like a baby & he was present and happy with me and the kiddos. Sure, he was scared out of his mind, being the breadwinner without bread, but he was slowly starting to return to himself, and it warmed my entire being. The next 6 months of unemployment were a complete blur- such a roller coaster of emotions with job searching, watching our checking account dwindle with no replenishment, and wondering WHAT the next step would be. Amongst all that angst though was such raw beauty of life. We went on family walks pretty much on a daily basis, he took on a huge role with the kids, allowing me some time to myself on a regular basis. Shoot, I even took on a part time job at a clothing store I just LOVE and had such a fun 2 months with other moms playing dress up and hanging out. The kids fell harder in love with their daddy, and I felt like we got back to us.

What.A.Gift.

Seriously, the gift of time….nothing can top that, nothing.

But yet, it still felt like we were walking through mud… every.single.day.

We felt lost in our own little bubble. The ups & downs of interviewing, the constant networking, me becoming his biggest cheerleader through all his ups & downs, the barrage of family & friends “checking in” because we are SO LOVED…..It all takes a toll. As we went through the motions of daily life, enjoying this amazing gift of being together day in and day out with the kids, we became closer to God as we prayed and prayed for Him to reveal what path we needed to go down. It was such a beautiful, yet stressful time. We felt heavy with emotion.

Then one day he became employed again. It was the perfect job description for him, but sadly was quite a drive every day to get to. But we felt that this was our answer. Our way out. So he took the job after almost 6 months of none and this was our cue to get back in the saddle of life.

Within a week of him starting his new job, I whacked out my already whacked out back. I mean, WHACKED. Sure, Mac had already fractured my tailbone at birth, but that was manageable. This pain was like no other and to all of you living with chronic pain, I FEEL for you. So.Hard.

All at once we felt kicked to the ground again. We were up and running in the game of life, then completely knocked down again. I could barely care for the kids & now didn’t have my husband to fall back on as he was now gone about 11 hours a day. Thus became our final test of 2016….I was in so much pain and in turn was so short with the kids. I was trying so hard but I just couldn’t be what they needed me to be. They missed their daddy something FIERCE, and I was in constant tears of pain. It was such a blow, what with the upcoming holiday season upon us. Thankfully I was referred to a miracle worker who worked with me for over 8 weeks and I can now say that I am cleared to resume my normal life. Wow, that was so not fun.

This brings me back to our girl’s night conversation….the other bombshell comment that my amazing friend said to me was this:

“Kimbra, you have so much to offer”. 

 {heart cracking wide open}

Gosh that makes me cry just writing that. It’s like she knew I needed to hear all she had to say last night. I don’t even think she realizes what an impact those words are having on me. In the vast ocean that is mommy hood, and being a stay at home mommy to boot, it’s just so easy to get lost. Even working moms, its freaking HARD. To feel forgotten. To feel worthless. To feel like YOU don’t matter.

But I DO MATTER.

And so do YOU dear reader.

So again, I forge ahead. It’s time to put out for good our furnace of 2016 out and put our big girl pants on. It’s time to wipe my tears and remember that I MATTER. I love my kids and my husband more than life itself, but it’s time for this momma to get back to ME.

Can I get an AMEN?!

I’m tired of living my life in fear- fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of failure. I need to take one small step after another until those steps become bigger & bigger with each passing day, with each hurdle crossed. It’s time to get back to my writing, it’s time to explore a long time passion (which will remain secret for now) to see where it leads me….

It’s time to take my life back and see how far I can make it fly. 

This will make me a better mommy, a better wife, a better friend….to feel passion again has a way of igniting the soul and spreading like wildfire through every single aspect of our lives. Passion is life, and I’m so ready to feel that for ME again.

Thank you for indulging me today~

xo

Kimbra.

 

9 Responses to Forging ahead….time to get on with it!

  1. Kirsten Federau says:

    She’s baaaaaack 😉

  2. Bill says:

    BEAUTIFUL.

  3. David says:

    Babe, you are awesome!

  4. Grace Hoe says:

    Hi, always believe He is in charge… GOD BLESS

    Proverbs 3:5-6
    Trust in the Lord with all your heart 💕 and
    Lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

  5. Don and Mary Ann Royce says:

    You have blessed my heart! God is so good to bring help us when we need it most and you were open to it. Love you!

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